Back to car culture, and me I'm on my bicycle

Well, I made it home. There was a time there were I did not think that I would make it alive, but I sure did. Hung over, jet lagged and ready to rumble. Its definately a bit different being back home in Canada after living in Kenya for so long. Everything is so calm and efficient here yet it all seems so stressful and boring. I already miss the chaos of Nairobi that makes day to day life so much more interesting and lively.

I can't stop cursing, I'm like a filthy sailor or something. I don't know why, I don't recall cursing this much in Kenya. Maybe its some sort of unconscience response to all this efficiency and order. Its my way of bringing chaos to this semmingly utopic land. Speaking of utopia, I am rediscovering many of the luxuries that I once took for granted and that make life so great here; fabric softner, cold beverages at home, drive through and delivery, cheese, holy crap the Internet is fast, and just general convienience.

I say this with the utmost respect, I dont' mean to sound perverted....but; are there hookers everywhere or what. People don't dress like this in Kenya and when I say people I mean women, and the ones that do dress like this are hookers, sorry; sex workers. Im not complaining, it just requires a little re-adjustment; culturally and chiropractically. Even on the hottest days, leave no peice of skin uncovered in Kenya, unless you are a stupid tourist just off the plain walking around Nairobi staring at your unfolded map in a mini-skirt looking up at the big buildings (no, there are not any mud huts here you idiot).... I wanted to mug them myself just for being so stupid. But anyway, it will just take some getting used to, like many things. (Shiko, this is my favorite picture, its never a dull day at NOPE)

There is this guy accross the street who always annoys the crap out of the neighbours here in suburbia(I love this). He goes outside late at night and revs the crap out of his big motorcycle. He is a seemingly normal, abeit greek, guy with a wife, a kid and a fence but just slightly off. The neighbours always run outside with there shirts off and yell at him to 'shut the hell up'. I laugh and laugh just like Corey Feldman in The Burbs. Some other guy has decided to get vengence and bought a corvette and he goes out at night and does the same thing. I love suburbia, these people should go to Kibera.

Ok, time to wrap it up. Since I am no longer in Kenya, mattinkenya will cease to exist and mattincanada seems pretty boring. Thanks for following along with my little adventure, I hope you enjoyed it, I sure did. We can always chat over email, so drop me a note, even if I don't already know you.
matthewcwalton@gmail.com

Poa Poa!

chucking from Kenya

In Kenya, to chuck from somewhere is slang for leaving a place. "Hey, you ready to chuck?" is what someone might say. In an attempt to chuck in style, this past week has been a blur. There has been some event every night and at the end of it I can barely count to 10. Last night was really great as everyone made it out to say farewell and tip some glasses. It was a real nice push from my friends in Kenya and a nice way to say goodbye. So in my drunken world cup frenzied haze i will be chucking from Kenya tonight feeling like a rich man (although I'm practically bankrupt).

Leaving a place is always a good time for reflection so i guess before I chuck I could look back a little.

The thing I will miss most is working here with such great people. Everyone gets their jobs done, but there is always time for a laugh. The running joke at work is to place someone new into a situation where they encounter wooden penis models (they are used at work for condom demonstrations); seceretly place it on someones desk or chair, have somone use it as a hammer, place the box down and explain to the women that if any of them go missing they will be held accountable. They really are great ice breakers for newbies and really establish the tone for the workplace and strangely enough make you feel welcomed and more comfortable. Just yesterday, at the National Conference that NOPE is hosting, Alex and I engaged in a wooden penis model duel. Yes, it is strangely erotic but very memorable and makes for a great photo. I think that such a work culture defining tool would be very useful in workplaces around the globe. Dildos for everyone. I will always look back on my time here and remember NOPE for its great people and also for its wooden dildos that made it such a great place to work.

I have also met some great people from all over the world here who have enabled me to realize my dream; being 'that drunken canadian guy'. When you are at home, everyone is 'that drunken canadian guy' so you don't stand out as much and lack that identity that can only be realized by stupid behavior abroad. But here, it was my calling, my niche. 'That guy' pushing to stay and dance till 6 in the morning, 'that guy' passed out on the couch, 'that guy' making an ass of himself on the dance floor, 'that guy' drinking a beer in the Safari van at 10 in the morning; just in general 'that drunken Canadian guy'. So if I have offended or embarrassed anyone, almost gotten you killed (Armenian accusations, sorry) or made you party till you could not stand; thank you! Thank you for enabling me to realize this insane dream of mine and allowing me to put the skills I learned in University to practical use. Now I am ready to go home and become a responsible adult.....well, we'll see.


Kenya has treated me well and me, I will miss it. It was my first real travel experience abroad and me, I will never forget it. I have had so much opportunity here for everything. I have also had such amazing support from everyone back home. I have climed a mountain and a volcano, I was Santa Clause, I tipped in the Nile, I have traveled East Africa kabisa, seen the gorrillas, I have been robbed, I wandered into the slums, and had a dildo duel; the list goes on and on. I wouldn't trade any of it for anything.

Who knows what next, I'll figure that out next week by the pool. For those at home, keg party on Saturday at my house. All invited. And with that, I chuck from here. Kwahari.

pole pole

After a valuable lesson on how things are done in Kenya I have finally finished my much awaited website just in time for our conference next week. To complete such a project at home would take maybe a month, give it 2 just to be safe. Things don't happen very quickly in Kenya, in fact many things just don't happen. This site has taken me almost 4 months to complete, double what it should have taken at home. Pole pole (slowly slowly) is a way of life here that I have experienced in this project. Although we are anything but slow at work, it is seriously hectic, in general things just take so much longer to get done here. It is difficult to explain as seemingly simple tasks are anything but. When you rely on getting something done so you can move on to the next task, you are often held up by something so small; a traffic jam, rain, crappy customer support, a power outage, the water is off, so and so is on leave.... the list goes on. The same factors exist at home, but are much more prominent here.

Either way, my site is done. Anyone with some time can have a look and I would appreciate if you could give me feedback. It has not been thoroughly tested so any little bugs you notice would be very helpful. You can see it here NOPE website just send me an email if you see anything. It will be officially launched on friday.

in command of a blood thirsty mob

Shaggys music career is really taking off. The brilliant artist who has blessed us with lyrics such as "Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me)" made a historic appearance to Nairobi this week. An event like this is not to be missed, not here. Who could pass up the opportunity, Really! So we went to the famous carnivore restaurant to see the man himself. The show was....well, we had fun. After the concert and after many vodka and redbulls the party moved inside to the dance club of carnivore. Nairobis finest, richest and drunkest all crammed into one big dance club.... A pickpocketers dream. 3 of us lost our phones, 3 others had attempts made on their phones and the security guards got a hold of one of the thieves, I'm pretty sure he recieved a severe beating. I have been here for 8 months and have really not seen any trouble and Nairobi being the crime capital of Africa I figure I was due to become a victim. Bitter and drunk I was trying to convince bouncers to lay the smack down and beat the hell out of them if they find them. I had to say goodbye to my phone that night and no justice was served.

Sarah and I were walking along the next day ironically discussing the inconvienience of loosing my cell phone when some some guy ran up and pounced on sarahs purse ripping it off her body. Within a second, him and his collegue jumped down this ditch and into the sewer then off through the tunnel, 7000Ksh ($100) richer. There was an open sewer beside the path where we were walking and these guys had obviously planned their escape, or so it seemed.

Within minutes a mob had gathered. A bunch of concerned citizens with lots of time on their hands had seen the theft happen and those who hadn't were very curious and came to help and to see what was going on. As we came to realize, mob justice is a serious crime fighting entity here and everyone wants to be a part of it. A mob of lunatics at my disposal, what a feeling.

Watching the mob operate was quite entertaining; we needed a strategy. People were telling us that this was a pretty common method here but they knew that the thieves would not be able to escape from the tunnel. The thieves were stuck and the mob was ready to play the waiting game. Much was said in Kiswahili about umbwa, it means dog. The plan was to get some dogs to flush the thieves out. With no dogs we needed an alternate, I paid some guy to go into the tunnel and see if they were still there. The guy re-appeared wet, and smelly, he confirmed that they were just in there waiting in the stench of the sewer. This information was very encouraging to my mob. I had many talks with various members of my mob and the feeling was unanimous; kill them. The man with all the plans told me that even if I pleaded he would not show mercy on these theives. He was this nice old man in a suit and a hat, definately someones grandfather. He had worked for Bata, a Canadian company and he was delighted with an opportunity to give something back to a Canadian. It was a strange gift but as a Canadian I guess I should feel proud.

The police showed up and took our info and acted all police-like. They were not willing to go into the tunnel to catch the thieves, it stanks. The mob wasn't interested in their help anyway. The cops told us that the tunnel was very long and that they would go to the other end and see if they could see them. They instructed us to wait by the hole with the mob. They actually said 'if they come out let the mob take care of them, its easier that way' WHAT!!??! Then they said, 'wait to the side of the hole so they think you have left and when they come out, the mob can get them'. The police was strategizing on behalf of the mob.

After waiting with my mob I came to a few important realizations. The most obvious was that I was in command of a blood thirsty mob, that is definately something to write home about and I was already planning my blog entry. My other realization was that I seemed to be ok with the fact that these guys were going to be lynched by a mob of crazy men and women of whom I was in command. The police said that a good lynching would be ok, everyone made it seem like no big deal, some old man was doing his duty to Canada; a diplomatic gift, I was pretty fed up; 2 crimes in less than 1 day. It was with this realization, acceptance of a lynching, that I concluded it is time for me to go home. I'm officially ready. I have been here a long time, maybe too long. Kenya has changed me and not in the ways most would assume it would change you. I'm not a pourage serving hippie as you may think. I'm just thinking more like a Kenyan and not as much like a Canadian. I was happily waiting above an open sewer in command of a blod thirsty mob waiting to lynch 2 thieves; someone get me some labatt blue and maple syrup.

We gave up waiting and told the mob that if they caught them they could have the money. Fortunately, I don't think there was a lynching that day. The thieves won the waiting game and I became a little wiser.